The Pinnacle of Midlife
On the day I reach 45
A More In-Depth Look of My Experience Being in My 40’s (so far)
I turn 45 today. Happy birthday to me! As I sit pondering on my life, I realize I’d like to write a super long expository essay on what it’s like to be in one’s 40’s. Come. Join the party.
I recently came across an idea encouraging me to flip the midlife script. Instead of seeing it as a crisis full of fear, disorientation, and self-doubt, instead treat it as the pinnacle of life. Isn’t that a nice thought? Like, I have arrived! Arms outstretched, perched on the peak, slowly turning around, taking in the view from all sides. Sure, the climb might have been treacherous, but look where it got me! This was the goal! This is accomplishment! Yeah. That’s a nice thought.
Welcome to your 40’s. Perhaps by now, the perimenopause has been well underway, kicking off the bookend of puberty but so much worse and, frankly, with all kinds of weird.
Jenopause
If I were to throw a party, I’d call it a Jenopause party and invite a variety of women age 35+. We’d each have a “Sistern Journal” to use as a wellspring of wisdom wherein we write tips, tricks, products, warnings, prophecies, and things to generally and perhaps ritualistically prepare for as rites of passage we are headed toward.
We could rewrite the book on what it means to be a woman. What has it meant in the past? Having children? Being nurturing? Ladylike? Does this reflect our experience? Does it limit it? How might we expand this definition? Maybe we take turns coming up with our own meanings and interpretations of womanhood using a candle, a symbolic torch-passing from the elders to youngers. We’d play games like “Flip This,” taking cumbersome menopausal symptoms and making them positive and empowering. For example:
Sudden weight gain? → taking up space. Growth!
Chin whiskers? → tapping into our masculine energy. Balance!
If I were to write a guide book I’d have the cover depict a mother and daughter and title it, “Our Changing Bodies” or “Your Changing Body and You… and Your Mom.” And span the whole broad spectrum of hormones throughout the course of womanhood so kids have a comprehensive understanding of the entire hormonal landscape and how it manifests through every stage and age, all from the initial onset.
Males would be encouraged to read it as well, as they should all be well-informed of the goings-on in the lives of their dear ones so they know how best to support. Much like how Sean read a book about breastfeeding because I was out of my mind with overwhelm and couldn’t even handle it. It was nice having access to helpful information from an invested partner rather than having to read a thousand-page book. My book, though, would only be about five hundred pages.
I have been teaching Julian about periods and uteruses and hormone cycles ever since he was small, for no son of mine will grow up clueless about these things!
We can use this theoretical book to connect more with each other, some of us being thirteen feeling thirteen and some of us as 40-somethings feeling thirteen again, as a shared experience of being collectively uncomfortable in our bodies, like we don’t know them at all anymore. Suddenly things start getting weird and we are both needing some answers.
Speaking of being thirteen again, I just finished the new Hunger Games book and in it there’s a scrappy truth-telling teen named Maysilee who, after hearing from a fellow doomed tribute/teenager that they’d always wished for a sister, frankly offers herself to them, “I’ll be your sister.” It was kind of touching and I have decided to emulate that in some way. To band together and see women for who they are, where they are, treating all as sisters.
As your sister-in-40(‘s), at the midpoint, I thought I’d share what my own journey has looked like and to talk openly about things often kept private for absolutely no good reason whatsoever. Time to change that. Sisters–unite!
Aging
It’s taken me a minute to figure out how to lean into aging. I want to do it but it is a process, taking steps at a time. I feel like my 30’s gave me a false sense of stability. Life is predictable and will be like this always! False. Enter 40. Every day seems to be something new and I find myself echoing Boromir as some new aging-related cave troll appears in the vicinity, “What is this new devilry?”
It involves weighing out which new skincare item to try with how much I really want to care. Making small, continual reconciliations with and acceptance of new changes and discoveries. For example, counting gray hairs but as friends. And there’s you, and you, and–oh look! Here’s a new one! Welcome! I have only ever dyed my hair to try something new and cool, not to hide something. What now?
I don’t know. It’s all so new. As I approached 40, I turned to the pioneers who came before and made them a guru, like Liz Lemon from 30 Rock, as I was now her age in the show. Mulling over the line from an episode that keeps echoing in my brain, “There’s nothing older than trying to be young.”
Living in NYC, I once passed a woman in her 40’s who just seemed to have a noticeably different kind of aura about her, like she lived in a different plane of existence I was only just beginning to be aware of. She wore hardly any makeup, dark hair in a long, gray-streaked natural state, cool clothes that looked hella-comfy. She seemed purposeful, intent, and impervious to the nonsense of the world around her in a way that compelled me to file her away in my mind, joining many others, under “How I Want to Be,” as I sort of subconsciously adopted her as a Muse in Aging I call upon often.
For years now I have been carefully curating an Old Lady Vision Board. Women of a certain age who show a unique way to be. Women whose style or attitudes or approach to life I admire. Women who are snarky or otherwise seem unconstrained by societal norms. Women I identify with.
But perhaps I should call it Elegant Lady Vision Board. But I really want to emphasize the age and take back “old” from being something negative. Because, as Peeta said, “our lives are measured in more than years,” and having a higher count does not discount elegance or beauty or anything else.
Here is my board so far:
Old Elegant Lady Phenomena
For me, Old Lady things have just started happening, appearing automatically. It’s like, I didn't just decide to suddenly start liking black licorice, it just happened, as if following a standard course of nature. More examples:
Not giving a frack if my clothes match, and opting more and more to wear socks with Birkenstocks (actually socks + sandals was always something I subscribed to).
Generally waking up and caring less about things. Like, who has the energy anymore.
Letting go of needing to look a certain way. Re-committing to being comfortable in my body in all its changing shapes. Showing it love and generosity.
I’ve entered what I’ve called my Poncho Era. I assume every woman eventually experiences this? There are some cool ones out there, and this supports my continual goal of finding ways to wear blankets as clothes.
Enjoying and sometimes even craving black licorice when before I found it repulsive.
Birdwatching. Fully into it.
Reading lots of poetry like Mary Oliver and Louise Glück. I feel like this could also be a another universal rite of passage: The Mary Oliver Era.
Actively searching for other female artists in general and finding soul sisters.
Sitting in gardens and thinking about life.
Tucking t-shirts into elastic waistbands.
Playing pickleball (and getting smoked by people twenty years older).
Swearing against wearing uncomfortable shoes ever again, EVER.
Swearing more overall.
Saying “no” more and leaving events I don’t want to be at.
Wearing pants when I might have worn skirts before. Skirts: Why? 13-year-old me: That’s what I’ve been saying.
Preferring early dinners.
And earlier bedtimes.
Being much more selective about social events. Opting out a lot.
Sitting and staring and thinking.
Copious commenting on the scenery when going on drives.
Putting walnuts into more and more things.
Um… did I just accidentally make art? Old Person Ailments
An Elevated Health Consciousness
One thing I’ve noticed is how many strange ailments I vaguely remember hearing about in my youth that have now come echoing back louder and stronger, more frequently, pressingly, and perhaps permanently. Words ne’er heretofore used in my vernacular are now a mainstay, having a particular relevance and application.
I feel an urgent desire to pick up Prevention Magazine that was always eternally sitting on the bathroom counter as a kid. I’ve been initiated into a new arena of warriors taking on and joining in the battle of demons foretold since the dawn of the ages, now mine to reluctantly face, as they force their way into my personal space in a new reality and medical file labeled, “Just a Part of Life.”
Where before I had temporary conditions, clear explanations and straightforward remedies, in a time doctors might have once said, “Oh, that’s a long way off. You’re much too young for that,” now they say, “Oh, well, yeah…” and just sort of trail off.
Examples:
Oh hello, tendonitis. Oops, I played tennis that one time or oops, I gripped something for a minute. Oops, I tried to open too many jars and just live my life or held my phone out aloft too many times. All the dumb little things add up to big moments you wish you could go back pay better attention to. I have always been pretty attuned to my body but this is a whole new level.
General joint pain. Inflammation is not new to me but it’s strange how old injuries you thought had healed suddenly reappear and you hiss, you again??
My foot hurts on the bone when I wear certain shoes and I don’t know why. Is that what a bunion is? I’ve never had a bunion. Crap.
Conversations at the dentist are getting lengthier as issues arise and options are weighed. The dentist no longer comes in, does a brief examination, and sweeps away. Now he sits down, stays a while.
My vision’s getting weird. I don’t yet need reading classes but it’s just changed overall and this depresses me.
This heightened awareness is a double-edged sword, of course. These are bummer things but they also contribute to the blessed gift of awareness of how lucky I’ve been so far in my good health, allowing me to take it less for granted with each passing day/ailment.
Hormones
Speaking of “sit down, stay a while,” let us discuss hormones.
I am all about preventative care and taking charge of my health includes being super choosy about the medical professionals I see. I’ve seen a fair amount of doctors in my time for various things and these days I’ve decided to opt for female practitioners if I can, as I imagine my New Yorker Woman In Her Forties would do.
Women’s health is such a big, separate deal and hormones and cortisol and other things relating must be addressed, I believe, by people who understand and specialize.
✨Fun Hormonal Things of Forties ✨
Here is just a sampling of things that can happen that I have personally experienced:
Old hormone-specific acne reappears and it’s like making peace with a former nemesis who is now showing up on your doorstep after all these years. Oh Hello. We meet again. General skin changes.
Periods become freakish–more than they already were, I mean. This means unpredictable and some seriously wretched heavy flow. Completely out of control. Just flying off the rails.
Weight starts showing up in new places.
Hair falls out. Eyebrows thin. Parts of you start disappearing while others multiply and concentrate.
Libido drops.
Energy plummets.
Mood becomes more erratic but mostly just nosedives. For me, energy level + mood are very closely connected.
Brain function extinction. This includes struggling to recall the right word, formulate ideas, and generally just feeling slow and stupid. This is one of the worst/most frightening. Like, is this my new normal? “Just a part of life?”
The brain fog settles in. Maybe this is the same as brain extinction. Repeating myself probably due to the fog. But it can look like feeling disconnected, lacking creativity, and aimlessly going through days just trying to have a semblance of personhood.
Metabolism slows.
Like a poisonous vapor, a new kind of succubine fatigue takes over, but for women it takes our sleep. No more sleep for us. Goodbye to that and welcome to becoming intimately acquainted with 3am.
Peri/menopause is such a strange, foreboding beast. Like Pippin, looking out to Mordor brewing its ugly wrath, I too have felt feelings of, “I don’t want to be in a battle. But waiting on the edge of one I can’t escape is even worse.”
So I decided to take matters into my own hands, setting what terms I can as I embark on this new quest with little hope and, in the words of Gimli, (I swear I can’t help it–these quotes just come to me) a “certainty of death and small chance of success.”
Nonetheless, what am I waiting for? For menopause to just happen to me? To wait helplessly for whatever affliction it has in store? Forget that. There must be more I can do to go into this with both eyes open, vision impairment notwithstanding.
This perimenopause with its intense hormone fluctuations is an epic neurobiological storm that hits us sensitive gals extra hard. After experiencing things like mood fluctuations, extended emotional travails, and a soul-destroying, unrelenting years-long inability to sleep, living a zombie half-life being tanked every afternoon, as well as a sudden weird new anxiety I’d never experienced before that mostly manifested as spontaneous claustrophobia– among many, many other symptoms, I began bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) at age 42.
It’s a painstaking and turbulent process to introduce hormones and supplements into the system and be able to see measurable results. My sensitive system required a longer, more gradual process of altering my biochemistry so there was a lot of trial and error.
Recognizing this as a marathon and not a sprint, I settled in, experiencing weird things like even more acne, horrid night sweats and hot flashes brought on by this hormone intervention. Working tirelessly to ice out the bedroom. Now I understand why my mom had her bedroom window open all winter long. “Sorry Sean, we’re going to need to put the comforter in the freezer before bed. It’s the only way.” Bless the supportive men in our lives.
It took at least a year to feel like everything reached a new balance, baseline, and level of functionality and still, the process is ongoing. I see a NP regularly for blood draws and to make tweaks and adjustments as my miraculous bodily changes continue to unfold.
Supplements & Drugs
Among the small mountain of supplements, I take:
Vit D (5,000 iu in summer, 10,000 in winter.) This helps with mood, strengthens immune system, reduces risk for cardiovascular disease, respiratory infection, and prob a ton more. I remember going in to get a blood test at around age 38 and the report saying my vitamin D levels were basically in the negatives, so I’ve been taking this for years and it has made a huge difference.
Vit B12. This helps with energy, mood, nerve and brain health, reduces risk for stroke, etc.
Omega 3 gigantor pills that reduce high blood pressure, helps with arthritis, ADHD symptoms, depression and helps increase HDL cholesterol (the good kind).
Iron. This helps the blood carry oxygen, increases energy, and I’m pretty sure I owe my still thick’ish hair and strong nails to this.
Methylfolate. This increases the effectiveness of other hormones.
DHEA. A precursor to other hormones (it is converted by the body into other hormones). Restores sexual vitality, stimulates immune system, helps with memory, reduces insulin requirement, cortisol and body fat.
As for hormones, I currently take:
Thyroid for energy. Also helps with brain fog, depression, and regulates metabolism and body temp, aka I’m not cold anymore! And I struggle far less with Raynaud’s than I used to.
⭐️Progesterone.⭐️This is the biggie for women. My main reason for taking it is for sleep. The fact that I am alive and here to tell you these things is a testament to the miracle that, because of progesterone, I did sleep again! And you can too. It also helps with mood, depression, headaches, and protects against certain cancers.
I had to try out many varietals of this, landing on the meltaway troches (pronounced troh-kees) because the regular capsule knocked me out too hard. I’d wake up with a hormone hangover and nobody wants that.Testosterone for sleep, energy, and body composition. It increases lean muscle mass, helps with exercise tolerance (interesting), decreases fat and contributes to the feeling of wellbeing. It protects again cardiovascular disease and arthritis.
First I tried injections, then cream, then found a tolerable method via the troches.Spironolactone for the testosterone-spurred acne. It also helps with water-retention and blocks hair growth on the face. (Oh, but my man whiskers!)
I watched a seminar on hormones and they said for those entering this stage, the earlier you start on HRT, the better. We’re in it for the long haul, people.
Since perimenopause can start in your 30’s and can last ten years before you reach menopause (which = not having a period for a year), with symptoms continuing even in “post-menopause,” (obviously this will be different for everyone because why have anything be straight forward/predictable—that would be too easy!), this can dramatically impact a life and is a health issue that is deserving of discussion, attention and care for all of us.
When I go see Sally, my hormone NP1, I bring my favorite protein products to share as we sit and chat a while after we go over all the health issues. It’s a legitimate friendship and by far the best relationship I’ve ever had with a medical professional. It almost feels utopian (probably how it is in Denmark). She can also prescribe other meds, order mammograms, and make referrals. It’s beautiful.
Leveling Up
The time leading up to 40 was tumultuous for me in many ways. Making it extra weird, I turned forty during the pandemic when we were all in quarantine, so that was cool and symbolic I guess. “Quarant” means “forty.” Quarantine = forty days.
If I’m going to do a thing, I want it to mean something. So I did a little digging and found this on some symbols and numbers website:
In every sacred reading from ancient traditions, we see the mentioning of the 40 days as precursors in creating a favorable environment for change and the deep preparation of the heart through the purging of the old and of obstacles in order to receive a new set of instructions and preparation for a new phase in life.
I read on another website the symbolism of 40, much of which is found in the Bible (Noah built the ark and then it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, Jesus fasted in the wilderness for 40 days. Lent = 40 days) or In Jewish tradition, 40 is linked to a complete cycle, such as the 40 days needed for a fetus to develop or the 40 years it takes for a generation to pass. One website (I have forgotten which; i’m a real good researcher) said,
So it is, then, that “40 means something,” as it brings to mind such qualities as renewal, preparation (say, for an important work or task), self-examination, transformation, task fulfillment, escape from constraints, nourishment and growth (for example, in the spiritual life), and, finally, personal fulfillment, and ultimately, new generation and new life.
I leaned into all of this.
Aging isn’t just a physical evolution, it’s also emotional and can even be spiritual, if we so choose.
Here is a list of ways that, for me, have felt like entering a new realm or the next level of adulthood:
Feeling centered in nature. Communing with the world in a way this new awareness of mortality allows.
Leaning into the wisdom of my elders.
Slowing down, quieting down, listening more, retreating more, pausing more, for longer stretches.
Reading a lot. Intentional studying and learning and application.
Savoring things.
Exercising so I feel good, not look good.
Being more in tune with myself. Treating my body gently, like the sacred vessel that it is. Never punishing.
Seeing to my needs.
Addressing mental health more acutely.
Doing the necessary internal work to grow myself up emotionally, in my relationships with others and with myself.
Examining, deconstructing, then mindfully reconstructing beliefs in a more aligned way.
Practicing radical gratitude for life and its gifts.
Exploring a new spiritual awakening.
All of these things have felt like lessons and fruits of 40's.
How each of us experiences this is ours alone. Obviously I can’t know how it would look for someone else, nor would I deign to prescribe how it should. But isn’t it nice to know we don’t have to be alone as we face it? I, for one, will always advocate for you. Solidarity!
If any of this is useful, I am glad. Whether you are approaching your initiatory 40’s or are well in, at your own pinnacle of midlife, on top of the world and ready to plant your flag, (maybe crawling on your hands and knees—but hey, you got there) or have entered in the next phase, I’d just like to say: I’m with you, sister.
May we discover the fruits of our respective journeys, and hopefully with more information, better care and ability to lean in more mindfully, may the odds we make it through victorious be ever in our favor.
She is based in Lehi, UT. Reach out if you’d like more info!
Happiest Birthday, Jen! I can't tell you how therapeutic and lovely and just perfect it was sit in bed this morning and read this. It's my 18th wedding anniversary today too so we're twins but not lol. I had a great journaling morning, then tidy time, then back in bed to hang out and gosh, it was just so perfect reading your thoughts. I'm turning 39 this year and this stuff is on my mind big time as I'd like to try to do some prevention, if possible. This was so helpful!!! I will def be referring back to this over the year.
So happy birthday first!! And I knowingly nodded along in solidarity at basically everything you wrote. My favorite was experiencing all you wrote WHILST having to have an audience (aka my students). Aging on a stage like that I do not recommend. But I’m glad you’ve embraced it and are celebrating it.