Do you ever look at a kid and watch history repeat itself? You can feel it in your bones. Bone memory. This has… happened before. But now I’m… on the other side. The mom side, the parent side, the adult side, the other side of being young. A role reversal in a rerun of life. When I was a driving teen
I would go grocery shopping for my mom. At first it was just for a few things. I’d show how trustworthy and responsible I was using her bank card and not getting any extras.
By and by, my mom would entrust us with the Big List. The refrigerator list. The one that holds all needed grocery things. We’d take the list and my mom would watch us leave with it, probably saying to herself, It’s in God’s hands now. We had no phone, no way to ask her to clarify what an obscure item or hard-to-read word was. We had to put together clues, calculate probabilities and likelihoods, and ultimately make the best guess we could.
After some time, I incorporated what I considered a fair gratuity by throwing a few things into the cart: Gummi bears, licorice, mints, cookies. Actually I definitely remember doing this when shopping with my mom and I either got good at hiding it under other groceries or she just stopped caring.1 Or she wanted those things too and said more silent prayers I’d go for the Big Hunks or something else she liked. I feel like I have memories of her displeasure upon discovering my contraband when it was on the conveyor belt at the check-out—clearly too late to do anything about.
When we returned, she would survey the gains and calculate the losses in this game of groceryshop roulette, letting teenagers make the final decision.
One second…
Note to self: Gameshow idea: Groceryshop Roulette, sort of like Supermarket Sweep. Shoppers are given a real life scenario and an indecipherable grocery list, or one that continually changes. Or they have to get the best item for the best deal, using strategy and critical thinking. Instead of bonus items, contestant is penalized for grabbing items clearly out of place.
Jump to now. We live near a Walmart and for a fews years I have been letting Julian go on his own. He’s always up for a Walmart run whereas I almost NEVER EVER am. To me, it is a nightmare hellscape and I avoid it at all costs. When I do find myself there looking for something heretofore ubiquitous which now completely eludes me, I start to get desperate and beg Julian to help me look.
But he’s the kid, his job is to just follow and be free to think his thoughts. And occasionally sneak in some candy which he never does because he’s too honest and checked out. So he is of little help. But it’s painful for me and a task I try to outsource as much as possible, especially as at our store, I think they recently rearranged some of the aisles but didn’t change the aisle signs which is just mean.
Note to self: Mislabeled aisles in Groceryshop Roulette?
Which brings us to a recent Walmart errand I sent Julian on. He is trustworthy and responsible but likes to play jokes like taking my card and saying loudly,
“WHAT’S THE PIN AGAIN? IS IT ***—”
“SHHHH!! shutup! shut your face!”
Such a punk. Still, worth it if I don’t have to go myself.
This time, though, in this day and age, we have phones. And, if you give him verbal instructions what he will hear is,
“GO BLAH BLAH WALMART BLAH NEED BLAH GARBLE, GARBLE, MUFFLED INCOHERENCE, WIND, WIND.” (wind = wind blowing, no sound but empty air)
Thus, it must be written and it must be clear.
We use texting. For this task, the list was quite short. Very doable I thought. All I wanted was some mini-chocolate chips. That’s all. All I asked. All I ever needed/wanted in all the world.
I’ll let our text exchange tell the story and you can experience for yourself this wild ride and game of roulette:
Groceryshop Roulette: Gameshow for children. Bullseye.
p.s. I made muffins with the mini-chips and they were worth everything.
How much of parenthood—even being a good parent— is stopping caring, would you say? Sixty percent? Eighty-five? And at what age does a parent shed their “parent version” and show their true selves to their children?
Oh thank you! That was fun! I loved your grocery list at the beginning. 😂 And your text thread is awesome… “I can’t find a baking aisle, so I’m going to have to give this up.” Way to stick with him! 🤣 I have similar text threads, but they’re with Dave trying to find stuff for me! He’s a saint to keep saying yes when I ask him to stop at the store. 😆
I am totally doing this, except my son is 17, and about to graduate, so he's slightly better at finding stuff. And in this case, I don't even worry about the fact that I'm too lazy to go to the store (again), I just congratulate myself on teaching him to shop. Even if it's just for shredded mozzarella or something (that's what I made him get-- I hadn't bought enough-- and there was definitely some texting back and forth about whether they actually had 4 cups, as opposed to 2 (they did)).
And I think a LOT of parenting is about not caring. I think overcaring parents are making kids pretty neurotic these days.