When I Was Shopping
I generally dislike going clothing shopping but I do it sometimes. I have now reached that phase in life where I am more inclined to find something interesting in the men’s section. This is a phase for everyone, right? No? Just me? Well, on this particular day, I found something: A pepto bismol pink shirt with black lettering, BROOKLYN splayed across.
It has been nine years almost to the day since we moved here from B-town. I have stopped bringing it up in introductions as an immediate appendage to my name and identity. “Hi, I’m Jen. I used to live in New York.” Ok, I didn’t actually do that but I know that I wanted to. I have stopped pouncing on the topic if brought up in conversation. I’ve even gotten to the point where I’ll let complete mentioning of it go by without a peep because I know I don’t own it. And I know it’s annoying. And now that I live where I grew up, when people ask where I’m from I say here, they believe I never left and I let them.
Every once in a while it comes out though, almost as if from a need to remind myself of myself and my former life, the dream I once lived. It’s still such a big part of me, its influence eternal. I don’t know that I should ignore or stifle that.
But I could never convey that part of myself using simple, finite words and time anyway. So now I mostly keep it to myself, for myself, and for those who know. But on this day in a quiet store, I stood at the check-out line to purchase my shirt and nudged the silence by speaking, barely under my breath in a half-whisper to the salesperson but really to myself, the words,
“I used to live there.”
She looked up, “You did? I would LOVE to live in New York. I am really into fashion and it would just be my dream.”
I told her New York would not disappoint in that area, that it gives instant inspiration. She was young and I am old and as I gave her my men’s shirt to scan and return to me during this transaction, a transfer took place, but one of dreams.
And that is why I still go shopping sometimes.
post script: Sean and I like to clothes shop together which is fun because, again—same section. And one day I again found a treasure. He laughed and said “only you” but I know fortune when I see it. And when you find fortune in the form of a fully functional fishing vest, you not only buy it, but you ask the salesperson to cut off the tags because you’ll “be wearing it out.”
what other buttons can I add…
Your writings make me so happy! How long did you live in B?
I think I’ve always wanted to be that person that can buy a crazy orange Fishermans vest, wear it and walk around owning it to the core. Is it possible that part of me is that person? Like deep down somewhere. Maybe the past me? It symbolizes confidence and strength to me. (Yes, a bit of craziness in there too, but that’s the only way to live!) In high school my thing was wearing crazy colored sunglasses. In college I had a green camo jacket that I wore a bunch. Now I’m just boring! Lol
But I think, for now, I am satisfied being the person that is friends with awesomeness like you!
You and Bernadette (from Where'd You Go, Bernadette), rocking the fishing vests!
What do they say, that leaving NYC is like leaving an abusive relationship? You'll be forever changed, but the city just moves on without you!
All four of my sisters have lived there at various times in their lives, I'm the only one who never did. But I'm okay with that. I love visiting them, and I love having someone play tour guide for me, so I never have to actually figure out which direction I need to go on the subway. But I get to do all the best stuff and pretend I'm a little bit knowledgable (mostly to people who have never been!). And take a nice long shower when I'm home because I always feel so dirty in the city.
There's so much to love about New York (and probably most cities), but I have to admit that I'm a suburbs girl through and through. I love being able to drive places and park my car anywhere! And I love not sharing walls with my neighbors!