How I Handle Solicitors

in case you need some ideas

Well, it’s gotten to the point where, as a way to cope, I’ve taken to instructing solicitors on how to solicit better.

Aside from that one time the guy was selling brooms to “save for his wedding,” I never buy whatever it is they’re selling and often cut them off to tell them I’m not interested.

I try to be polite about it but my politeness has limits. It doesn’t take long for me to assert myself and I have even been known to just slowly start closing the door in their face.

Is it rude? Maybe. But it’s better than a slam. A slow close communicates, I’m leaving this but I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I also can’t say words or stand here a second longer and I’m dying, bye.

Thanks for this gem which can be found here.

The way I see it is that anything I do is much less annoying or rude than what they’re doing. Especially when I say “no” and they insist on plowing through. Maybe I’m crazy but I’m big on respect, including for myself. Therefore, whatever social decorum I might have had goes right out that same door I opened against my better judgment.

Sometimes I daydream about how to turn it back on them. Like have a box of junk nearby to pull out as soon as I see them and then just start going off with a sales pitch of my own before they can even start:

”Hello! I’m so glad you’re here! Want to buy some of this stuff? This thing is really cool and it’s only $5. And what about this? Want to buy this? How about this? Do you have any pets? Let me tell you about your pet and how it needs this thing. Have you ever considered about having one of these items? It could be really good and would probably save you money.”

And just talk on and on, never letting them get a word in until, defeated, they reach forward and shut my own door on me and then flee. Wouldn’t that be amazing?

As it happens, I definitely dissociate a little upon seeing one on the doorstep. I feel ambushed and held against my will. I don’t like it.

But I’m trying to see these people as people and am working on maintaining a sense of power and participation in a way that preserves our mutual dignity. Right now, I do that by offering some feedback. I wish people came with those airport bathroom surveys.

How was your solicitor experience, on a scale of “punch” to “sold!” Image found here.

If you’re trying to sell something, you’d want to customer feedback, right? I consider it a service and something to make whatever is happening here a little constructive, purposeful. To go the extra mile and say No, I will not buy what you’re selling and here’s why. Listen up.

A few days ago, in the midst of deep thought, I heard a knock at the door. When I opened it, I found a young, timid-looking stranger-man who had no idea what he was in for. He immediately launched into his spiel and I think I actually felt my eyes glaze over.

Like a greyhound out of the gate, he was off! But as I had not chosen to be a part of this event, my thoughts were still elsewhere, and all I heard was a drone of garbled, muffled nothingness.

As his words became lost to the wind, I looked over and noticed a box of cat litter that had been delivered. As he continued, I reached forward and retrieved it. He seemed startled by my movement, but did not stop talking.

My attention then turned to an infinitely more interesting bit of fluff that was floating between us at eye level. When it started to drift toward me, I blew at it to redirect it out which I guess made it seem I suddenly blew in this guy’s face. If he’d stopped what he was doing and blew it back, we could have had a fun game and I might have been more inclined to listen to him.

At one point a fly flew in and I said a silent prayer— sorry, swear. A silent swear. Normally I’d halt everything and go get the fly but this time I simply bore it and retreated into myself. And then said a silent prayer— perhaps with a swear—for this to end.

At last I interjected to say I wasn’t interested but he held firm and didn’t break from his script which is when I really get annoyed. I don’t know what would make me interested in your product but I’m pretty sure steamrolling isn’t it.

Just before my soul completely left my body, I interrupted him:

“I have to stop you. I haven’t been hearing a word you’ve been saying and I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He was confused and unsure of how to proceed. He stammered and said he was new and just an appointment-setter. I told him I understood and then gave him a mini lesson:

“See, I was in my house busy with something. My mind is elsewhere. When you immediately launch into something I did not request or agree to, I have a really hard time switching gears, and have no idea what you’re even on about. So I would say, next time, start slow. Take your time and be sure you have my attention. Ask if I might want to listen to you say some things. Be clear about who you are and what you’re here for. I need to know upfront what you’re on about.”

He accepted that and tried it again:

“Ok, I’m [his name]. I’m with [company name, while pointing to his tag] and we sell SoLaR PAnELs — ”

“--Ahh there you go! Ok! Solar panels! That’s very clear. Much better.”

He was pleased and mistook my enthused response for receptiveness, continuing his pitch until I stopped him once more,

“Oh, no, I’m not actually interested. But —seriously, good luck out there,” I said sincerely.

And we parted on kind of friendly terms, actually. We’d made some version of a personal connection, which is probably something else I’d add to my mini-lesson. Anyone want to take my workshop? Just show up on my doorstep and start rambling, being vague about your purpose.

And then I went inside and purchased a no soliciting sign. Maybe I should get one like this:

I’m ready for my sign-making internship now.

---