Anti-Dentite

She's back

Going to the dentist is a reviled experience for so many reasons but today I’d like to talk about one of the main ones for me.

I recently had to have two fillings re-done and what baffles me is how so very, very chipper they are at the office, especially on days when there’s real, highly uncomfortable dental work to be done. It’s like they kick it up a notch. This is absolutely ludicrous to me. I do not understand.

Somehow, for them, it’s a party. And they think they can fool me into thinking I’ll enjoy it, or be so chipper it will distract me from what’s really going on. And they’re so chatty. Why so chatty??

My dentists are two brothers (not to me but to each other) who work together. On this visit, one of them gave me two shots, then, in a pointless attempt to ease the tension, as if it would make up for it, he made a joke about how he and his bro sort of do good cop/bad cop. Like one of them is the good one and the other has the bad job. to which my response is, what are you even talking about?

He sort of laughed and waited for me to respond. Confused, and also distracted by efforts to block out all people, sights, sounds and smells, I said to him, “Oh, it’s all bad, don’t worry about it” to which he nervously laughed bc I think he’s legit a little scared of me.

It’s as though they don’t know what to do with my not joining the game of pleasantries in spite of what’s happening. Like they can’t handle it. Maybe yet another social norm I don’t subscribe to.

I enter the office quiet and subdued but I do respond to greetings and then quietly, willingly take my place on the sacrificial altar chair. Is that not enough?? With that on top of the $$ i’m doling out for this, I kind of feel pretty generous here.

But no hints taken, they proceed with, “Hey! How ya doin’? Having a great day? Is this the best day ever?? What are you up to lately? Let’s DO this! Yeah!” as the flames begin to form behind my eyes. Shuuut… up. Shut your faces. Just do your work!

I don’t understand how they don’t anticipate people like me who truly loathe it there AND prioritize oral health. Surely I am not the only one who begrudgingly makes appointments, who deals with trauma by facing it at regularly scheduled intervals. It’s the dentist, for literally crying out loud. The only people who like it there have never had a cavity and have amazing insurance. Oh and who are insane. That all their clients would fit this description seems statistically unlikely.

And I would not begrudge them if they had a hidden roster with photos of the people to adapt to. They display photos of kids who get no cavities right on the wall. Could they not have a similar wall of photos titled “CAUTION- If you see this person, handle with care” ?

My theory is that they can’t tolerate that I don’t hide from them the fact that they inflict great pain and suffering and this makes them very anxious and they try to control the situation by jokes and deflection.

They know they bring me discomfort and can’t own up to it, can’t accept it. And they want me to manage their discomfort. Like they want me to soothe them, play along with them, joke with them, tell them nah, it’s fine. I love it here! Good cop, bad cop ha ha ha! And that they’re doing such a good job being so brave and that everything’s going to be ok.

And then watching them try not to be flustered when they start drilling and I yelp out and they have the audacity to chuckle and say, “oh, let’s give you some more of that…”. YES. LET’S.

More flames.

I just…have a lot of feelings.

Searched for “scary dentist” and I had puh-lenty to choose from. Felt validating.

So what’s the solution? I have some ideas.

First I’d like an immediate apology upon greeting. Then throughout the visit, as needed. Obviously doctors will never ever admit fault. But what if they did? I bet a lot of medical lawsuits—or at least, negative Yelp reviews— could be avoided if doctors just acknowledged that this is a super sucky experience. Maybe send me some sympathy cards along with the appointment reminders. Some acknowledgement, you know?

But really, and here’s the best idea of the year:

They are going about this business all wrong. What they should be doing is treating this place of business as a funeral home. A sobering necessity of life, performing a service they are reluctant, heart-heavy to have to perform, a burden to bear, but humbly take one for the team and stand ready — nay — worthy to take care of people’s needs at this difficult time.

Imagine it: You walk in. They speak to you not in jolly jabberings but in hushed, reverent voices:

“Thank you for coming in. How can we take care of you today? I’m sorry you’re going through this. We’ll be right here to help guide you through this process.”

Doesn’t that sound so nice? I say stop trying to pretend this is anything other than it is which is a necessary evil at best, and a torture center at worst. I should be handled with gentleness and care, not immediately escorted to be blinded by scary dentist lamps lasering into my eyes as a precursor to more pain and discomfort.

I kept my eyes clamped shut during the drilling but before they started I suggested they provide eye masks and I tell you, it was like a revelation to them. “That’s… a really good idea.” Like it just occurred to them that it’s not the same experience for me as it is for them. It’s a startlingly new concept that I might not want to lock eyes with them as they work, nor stare up the nostrils of strangers, with too many to count foreign fingers in my mouth. I do not desire any of this.

So maybe it needs to be a funeral home/spa-hybrid. I wouldn’t mind a foot massage during this ordeal. Or at least beforehand. During, I might kick you in the face.

I initially tried to listen to music, thinking that would help. False, I couldn’t hear a thing. So I took out the airpods and then the drilling was so deafeningly loud, I actually reflexed to cover my ear but realized with horror there was nothing I could do because it was coming from inside the house (/my body).

Why do I not have a dental midwife or advocate of some kind, sitting there holding my hand, speaking soothing words of comfort and telling the dentist to stop flippantly chatting about something completely unrelated to the task at hand.

I’d be so good at this job.

“Listen, see how their body is seized up and fingers are curled? They are really uncomfortable. You’re going to have to shut up now and just get to work.”

“See how they winced just then? They might be in pain. This face [pointing to a chart of facial expressions] means PAIN.”

ha ha ha, i had to.

Maybe we could do some guided meditations beforehand in a chair that doesn’t tip you so far backward you feel you might slip off headfirst.

I’m just saying, we can do better as a society for us sensitive folk.

I have provided several very good ideas here. It can’t be hard to use one of them. At the very least, I will definitely be packing a care package for myself the next time i go, complete with eye mask, a sympathy card for them all to sign, maybe a blanket, and a sign around my neck or perhaps written on my forehead that says, Show some respect and please shut up.

Like a really good funeral home would have.

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Also all photos are from depositphoto and slightly edited, if you can’t tell.

Look i made a tree.